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jed

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5 months in [04 Aug 2012|03:01am]
ironically enough, things were so much simpler , albeit in certain areas, when i had my fallback "just get fucked up enough and you'll be somewhere different". stone sobriety is rough, but exciting. im finding myself feeling the feelings i felt when i was 6 or 7 years old, incredibly visceral and when misunderstood, painful feelings and emotions. and i remembered my brain is very , very wondrous and mystery-intrigued. every social situation and interpersonal relationship requires its own delve into deep thought on the subject, which i do enjoy, but man...how do you turn it off. and how do you just enjoy things for exactly what they are and nothing less? and being alone is interesting, and also painful, when i misinterpret and misunderstand it. i think thats what im realizing, that anything i dont immediately understand my mind will file under "pain". but im working through it, im working through it all. lots of good things are happening again, and my life is simple these days. hrm. how bout that.
2 bitches in my hood| Did I do that?

[16 Jan 2012|06:47am]
Thhis has gone on quite long enough. Time to shoot myself or get off the fucking pot.
1 bitch in my hood| Did I do that?

[09 Jul 2011|09:12pm]
this is the most disconnected ive felt in a long, long time..and im surronded to a negative degree with people...everyones got fucking issues and negativity and stress and i just want to trust people and live and laugh and love and i miss the people that glued things together. i am lost
Did I do that?

[10 Apr 2011|09:09pm]
one things for sure....this summer will be different.
Did I do that?

[11 Mar 2011|07:22pm]
i just want to get through this, and everyone to be ok on the other side. loneliness is such a tricky paradox...its not the physical proximity of people, its the internal loneliness. sigh. i feel like i could look up a journal entry from 4 years ago and it would say the same thing, just switch around a few circumstances. ive been back here a year, shit went well, shit got bad, shit got better, shit got bad, etc. when things like this happen, i just have to keep telling myself that the things people told me when we were together are true, and that those feelings dont go away just because the person does. just keep telling myself that..
Did I do that?

[24 Feb 2011|03:39am]
man...reading this thing makes me feel happy, then sad, then devestated, the hopeful, then happy, then rinse and repeat. am i really a bad person? you do realize that i love you, and i always will.
Did I do that?

[08 Feb 2011|09:36pm]
im just not quite sure. everything i thought was real im questioning, everyone i was told i could count on forever is not quite living up to that. turns out forever comes with stipulations. i guess that was my biggest fear, losing a person period.
Did I do that?

my million dollar invention [07 Feb 2011|09:08pm]
they need to make a sobriety test device that will lock you out of livejournal/facebook/myspace and everything if you're too fucked up.
Did I do that?

man this guy sure knows how to document heartbreak.. [24 Jan 2011|05:24pm]
Three sleepless nights,
this isn't how its supposed to be.
But you are so good at
taking your time to get back to me.

I will wait for you forever,
if you would just ask me.
I thought that I could change you
but you changed me.

But it doesn't feel right,
holding someone else's hand.
Together on phone line,
and living at two opposite ends.

It scares me to think,
that you could find takers other than me
and better than me.

But you're head is elsewhere,
and I’m talking enough for both of us.
When will you see it's not (it’s not) so easy for me
you’re careless, and whispered, insulting, and bruising.

And I thought that you said
things were improving.
These laces are untied,
but my feet are still walking away.

(I fall from you eyes, your eyes I trusted, you said forever)
I never thought that you could say these words.
Is this really happening?
I never thought that you could say these words.
(Don't say...)
Is this really happening?
I never thought that you could say these words.
(Don't say that we can...)
Is this really happening?
I never thought that you could say these words.
(Don't say that we can still be...)
Is this really happening?
I never thought that you could say these words.
Is this really happening?
(Don't say that we can still be friends)

Erase my name from this page.

How can you take all these days
(What is inside of me what have I done?)
and throw them away
(Is this the only way that you will notice me?)
as I sit here waiting for you (for you)
(Dead words for closed ears all this is sung for you)

I stay up nights
(If you are still pretending this is what's right)
until stars leave the sky
(Why cant you look at me can you only see?)
knowing what my dreams can take away
(Sides, your side, can take away)
Walk away from me.
This night is done

sigh..now i need to write my own, but for some reason, writing and even drawing/painting my feelings never quite eases the pain...just gives me inspiration i guess. what does ease pain? anything? drugs can mask it, sure, as can friends, situations, worldly possessions, and the like...but can anything truly take it away? i don't think it can. you just have to feel it, process it, and learn from it...maybe. or that's just life..love, pain, rinse, repeat..until one day this world will be gone and the perfect world will take its place. without the hope of a better future...how can anyone go on in this imperfect world we reside in? i havent felt pain like this in a long time...i've avoided it at all costs. and there is still more pain to be had.."it pains me to think, that you could find takers..better than me.." i imagine thats the worst pain for both of us.
2 bitches in my hood| Did I do that?

im really starting to wonder.. [16 Nov 2010|05:08pm]
..if i'll really ever be completely happy in a realationship with antother person. maybe ive already given up and thats why it seems so difficult, or maybe its so distorted in my head that ive actually had it a bunch of times and not known. who the hell knows.
1 bitch in my hood| Did I do that?

[20 Oct 2010|06:40pm]
turns out i can't sleep at night anymore. at this juncture in my life, i really need someone to talk to if im going home alone, and yet all i have is a drunk, belligerent asshole who just wants to 'fuck shit up'. awesome. and i can't be sad about all this because it's of my own doing...even though im doing what i think is right, and yet im terribly unhappy. i love the time weve been spending together of late, its the seperation at the end of the day that im not used to..not even referring to physical things, just the comfort and conversation. something needs to change. or my roommate needs to sober the fuck up. isnt that ironic?
1 bitch in my hood| Did I do that?

[20 Sep 2010|03:32pm]
contrary to any belief, im not happy, im not ok with what i felt like i had to do, i feel utterly alone and i feel like i lost my best friend. i dont know if you can go on without me in your life at all but i can't. im just trying to do whats right, to be fair to someone i love. this fucking sucks.
Did I do that?

dammit [09 Sep 2010|01:13am]
i am the most miserable ive been in a while and a may serously cut my wrist or buy a shotgun and shoot myself in the head. im not crazy, ive been thinking about it, and these are the conclusions i decided on. that is all
1 bitch in my hood| Did I do that?

[24 May 2010|11:28pm]
empty and cold waiting to be told when the warmth will drift and unfold to my wandering eyes and my heart and my soul i just wish i could bring an end to this mold that has crept inside seeming to wait and to hide until the time comes to burst and unfurl on my tongue in a language i've never known but still seem to understand and ill wait for this day till you tell me it's over and im home in your arms safe as a baby inside the warmth that has already drifted to the place made for me before the earth was concieved that's where i want to be.
1 bitch in my hood| Did I do that?

[08 May 2010|12:35am]
My friends try to live, and they die.
I try to die, and i live.
They get rewarded.
I live with the consequences of my self-destructive actions.
I feel like a suicide bomber that wore a dud.
This wasnt supposed to be. Im about to be 23 years old.
I'm miserable both ways.
Why are you doing this to me?
Why can't i have one or the other or both or nothing?
You made me this way, give me the strength the beat it or let me fucking come home.
Im tired of this. You know i am. You know more than i do.
SO WHY THE FUCK DO I KEEP GOING THROUGH THIS?? PLEASE...HELP ME DO ONE OR THE OTHER






amen
Did I do that?

[26 Apr 2010|11:35pm]
do not know what to do.
do not know how to figure out what to do.
do not want to make a decision i'll regret.
do not want to be unhappy.
i guess these are the things that make up life.
Did I do that?

hrm. [12 Apr 2010|05:01pm]
..and i thought i've been doing a really good job of being nice and thoughtful lately. guess not.
1 bitch in my hood| Did I do that?

[11 Feb 2010|11:28pm]
i don't quite know what to say, i don't quite know what to do, about anything, or about anyone. this isnt a disguised post about anyone in particular, i just feel incredibly lost and alone. luckily ive got friends (certain ones) who truly love me and rally around me, but i still feel disconnected to everything. i don't know whats wrong with me. i need to do something. i think an xbox will seriously increase my quality of life. that may sound silly, but whatever works. and i do love you, i do. im sorry ive been so fucking weird. but like i said, im really not sure what this caterpillar is transforming into. for all i know, it could be something glorious. gotta think positive. gotta think, period. gotta stop thinking. hrm.
4 bitches in my hood| Did I do that?

[19 Jan 2010|09:18pm]
everything's groovy man. i must say, things are shaping up.
Did I do that?

[07 Jan 2010|05:29pm]
adjusting. weird. awesome. and weird.
1 bitch in my hood| Did I do that?

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